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  WOKE 👏 IS 👏 SO 👏 FUCKING 👏 BACK 👏 BABY 👏

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  HER: What do you want for dinner? ME: LET US CONSULT THE BURGER COUNCIL HER: …do you mean Five Guys? ME: YES, YES, ENSURE WE HAVE A QUORUM

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  Jazz Fusion implies the existence of Jazz Fission and therefore Jazz Nuclear Bombs Please Jazz responsibly

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  I am a very normal person. It is vitally important to me that you also believe I am a very normal person.

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  ME: Do you think we all secretly worship the sleep god Somnambulax and that our beds are the altars upon which we pray to him? INTERVIEWER: …questions about the *job*?

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  Spider-LAN

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  RANKED. COMPETITIVE. POOPING.

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  Thanks to inflation, my delusions of grandeur have effectively shrunk to delusions of mediocrity

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  “Can I see you in my office?” Yeah, probably, I don’t turn invisible or anything

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  HEY NOW, ALL STAR, PUT THAT BACK IN YOUR PANTS

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  How it feels to log on to social media today

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  BREAKING: FDA recalls all vegetables not currently serving in the US Senate

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  “I feel the need, the need for meth” just doesn’t have the same ring to it

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  I don’t know if heaven exists, but hell is real and we made it ourselves

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  Cake Pop Demon Hunters is that anything

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  Brought spices on a plane, call me a thyme traveler

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  From the people that brought you “Moderate Enthusiasm” and “Somewhat Interested” comes

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  I’m at the coooooooombination Dunkin’ Donuts Papa Gino’s

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  This plushie is my spirit animal

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  MY DAD: “You know what I’ve been doing when your mom goes to bed at like 10? I hop onto YouTube and watch drone tutorials and 3D printing videos. Even throw them up on the big TV and watch them.” ME: “Dad, it would have been less weird if you told me you just watched porn at that hour”

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  BABYSITTER: Whatcha got there, little man? BABY HITMAN: A mystery mouseketool. *cocks pistol* It’s a surprise tool that can help us later

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  In my defense, I didn’t think I’d make it this far

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  Hammock! At the Disco

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  I, too, talked with Mitch McConnell for 20 minutes

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  BOXING TRAINER: Bob and weave! Bob and weave! ME, NOT YET COMFORTABLE ENOUGH AT THE BOXING GYM TO USE NICKNAMES: Robert and Weaver! Robert and Weaver!

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  ME: Sorry, lost my self-driving car of thought for a second WIFE: Isn’t it “train of thought”? ME: *watches internally as the self-driving car of thought in my head runs over my inner child and spontaneously catches fire* ME: No.

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  Don’t repeat the same mistakes Make newer, more bewildering mistakes

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  We did it, America, we did the meme

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  Are you hungry at 3 AM? Do you have too many teeth? Come to Waffle House and square up, motherfucker Waffle House: Your Pit Stop On The Road To Valhalla™